CFBA: Winning Him Without Words by Lynn Donovan and Dineen Miller

This week, the  Christian Fiction Blog Alliance  is introducing  Winning Him Without Words  Regal (February 15, 2011)  by  Lynn Donovan & Dineen Miller  


ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Lynn Donovan

Verse: John 15:5 Apart from Me you can do nothing.
Tagline: Challenging Women to Live in Truth

A passionate writer and speaker, Lynn is a woman who presents a compelling message to encourage women to thrive in their marriage. She speaks at events nationwide where she challenges the myths women believe about love, pointing them to life-changing freedom through a relationship with Jesus. She reveals the zany yet meaningful stories of marriage challenges, truths, and triumphs in her life and invites women to share her view from her front row seat to an amazing journey; life lived for Christ.

Married since 1992 to her best friend and biggest enthusiast, Mike, she lives in Temecula, California. They have a son and a daughter and a wacky dog named Peanut. She loves to laugh, enjoys a strong cup of coffee and Fantasy Football and not necessarily in that order.

She lives each day in awe of the grace of God in her ordinary life.

Dineen Miller

Verse: Romans 8:28  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Tagline: Igniting the Soul

Dineen readily admits that one of the greatest lessons she’s learning about life is that there’s purpose in our trials. And it’s all about trusting God and putting our hope in Him. Her favorite stories will always be of the miracles God has wrought in the lives of her family.

Through this lens she also believes her years as a youth counselor, a Stephen Minister, a women’s ministry leader, and a small group leader have prepared her for God’s calling on her life—to write for and speak to those in mismatched marriages like hers.

In addition to writing for Spiritually Unequal Marriage, Dineen writes for Laced with Grace and various other fiction online magazines and newsletters. She’s also won several prestigious awards for her fiction, and her devotional writing has been featured in Our Journey and Christian Women Online Magazine.

Married for 23 years to a guy who keeps her young, she lives in the Bay Area with her husband, two precious daughters, and their dog Shasta, who no doubt is an angel in disguise.

ABOUT THE BOOK

Week after week, they sit in church . . . alone. They are the spiritually mismatched, those who are committed to a spouse who does not share their faith. Feeling abandoned by their spouse and forgotten by their church, they live out their faith in survival mode, guarding the spiritual flame yet never feeling free to share it. But God wants them to thrive—not just survive.


Winning Him Without Words presents 10 Christ centered keys to thriving in a spiritual mismatch. Readers are encouraged to commit to Christian community, to release their spouse to God’s capable hands, to find peace in their relationships with Christ and with their spouse, to continue their pursuit of a growing faith and to love their spouse with fresh enthusiasm. God wants every marriage to exude peace and love, and Winning Him Without Words empowers readers to create that environment in their homes and thrive as God works.

Watch their book video:



If you would like to read a sample chapter of Winning Him Without Words, go HERE.

FIRST: Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents by Allison Bottke

It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance, just click the button. We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books. A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured. The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction, non~fiction, for young, or for old...or for somewhere in between! Enjoy your free peek into the book!

You never know when I might play a wild card on you!

Today's Wild Card author is:

Allison Bottke

and the book:

Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents: Finding Balance Between Burnout and Respect

Harvest House Publishers (April 1, 2010)

***Special thanks to Karri James of Harvest House Publishers for sending me a review copy.***

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Allison Bottke is the author of Setting Boundaries for Your Adult Children and the general editor of the popular God Allows U-Turns® series and the God Answers Prayer series. She has written or edited more than 20 nonfiction and fiction books. Allison is in frequent demand as a speaker and has been featured on The 700 Club, Decision Today, and numerous other radio and television programs.



Visit the author's website.
Visit the book's website.

Product Details:

List Price: $12.99
Paperback: 240 pages
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers (April 1, 2010)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0736926747
ISBN-13: 978-0736926744
Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.

AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:

The Road to Burnout

At 3:25 p.m. on January 15, 2009, US Airways Flight 1549 took off from New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Moments later, it was struck by a flock of geese, causing its engines to fail. Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger piloted one of the most remarkable emergency landings in aviation history, saving the lives of all 155 on board.

He later reflected on a discussion he had with his daughter, Kate, when she was nine years old.

I was driving her to school one day, and out of the blue, she asked me, “Daddy, what does integrity mean?”

After thinking about it, I came up with what, in retrospect, was a pretty good answer: “Integrity means doing the right thing even when it’s not convenient.”

Being a Christ follower also includes doing plenty of things that aren’t convenient or easy. God calls us to be people of integrity—to do the right things. And often, there’s nothing convenient (or easy) about it. In fact, in a world where tolerance has been raised to an art form, knowing what the right thing is can be difficult.

Does the right thing include compromising the health and sanity of your own life and the life of your family as you care for your aging parents? That’s a difficult question only you can answer. But if your answer is yes, what happens to your aging parents when you’ve gone past your breaking point? How does that help them?

It’s true, we won’t always have our parents. The time will come when God calls them home. How will you remember their last years—as a bitter battlefield of will and woe, or with loving memories for the season you experienced together? You build beautiful memories partly by setting healthy boundaries.

Adult children from all around the country tell me about their desire to walk in God’s will as they relate to their aging parents. Yet we aren’t always sure what this means. How responsible are we for them? Cloud and Townsend address this:

Some people were born to take care of their parents. They did not sign up for this duty; they inherited it. Today we call these people “codependent.” Early in life they learned they were responsible for their parents, who were stuck in childish patterns of irresponsibility. When they became adults, they had a difficult time setting boundaries between themselves and their irresponsible parents. Every time they tried to have separate lives, they felt selfish.

Indeed, the Bible teaches that adult children should take care of their elderly parents. “Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God” (1 Timothy 5:3-4). It is good to feel grateful to our parents and to repay them for what they have done for us.

Yes, it’s good to feel grateful. However, does being grateful also mean we must willingly accept negative, harmful, and cruel behavior from our aging parents? In the passage above, Paul teaches that proper
recognition should be given to those who are really in need. How do we know when our aging parents are really in need? Cloud and Townsend have more to say about this particular situation.

But two problems generally crop up. First, your parents may not be “really in need.” They may be irresponsible, demanding, or acting like martyrs. They may need to take responsibility for their own knapsacks.

Second, when they are “really in need,” you may not have clear boundaries to determine what you can give and what you can’t give. You may not be able to limit your giving, and your parents’ inability to adjust to old age, for example, will dominate your family. Such domination can ruin marriages and hurt children. A family needs to decide what they want to give and what they do not want to give, so they will continue to love and appreciate the parent and not grow resentful.

Good boundaries prevent resentment. It is good to give. Make sure, however, that it is the proper amount for your situation and resources.

What is the proper amount? Have your emotional, physical, and financial resources been stretched to the maximum, leaving you burned-out, resentful, and just plain angry? Have you reached a point in your life where enough is enough? How do you determine if your parents are really in need? And when is it your responsibility to help them?

One of the most damaging myths we’ve come to believe is that setting boundaries is selfish, that we should never say no to our parents. Cloud and Townsend devote an entire chapter to exploding the common misconceptions we’ve come to believe about setting boundaries. These few lines provide a good summary:

Don’t boundaries turn us from other-centeredness to self-
centeredness? The answer is no. Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth.

Being a caring person does not mean being an overly submissive doormat or an overly controlling steamroller. Either of these extremes will eventually lead to burnout.

Author and speaker Virelle Kidder knows firsthand about burnout and about caring for aging parents. In her empowering and inspirational book Meet Me at the Well: Take a Month and Water Your Soul, she shares her story.

Two summers ago I walked into my doctor’s office with hives. Actually I had chest pains too, and a jaw that was acting up. I was tired and feeling old. Just before I left the house, my wise husband, Steve, had said, “Tell Dr. Mastroianni I think you’re depressed.” I told the doctor adding a weak chuckle.

“I knew it the minute you walked in the door.” His gray mustache curled around a smile. “And it’s about time!” he added.

“What on earth do you mean?” I asked as he pumped up the blood pressure cuff.

“Look at your life, Virelle,” he said, and then listened quietly to the stethoscope for a moment. “Blood pressure’s a little high too. Look at what you’ve been through the last few years. Did you think you were immune?” I guess I did.

This much-loved doctor knew our family well. It’s true; we’ve had a lot of “stuff” to deal with. I suppose it began many years earlier with a prodigal son (who’s wonderful now, praise God!), then a child who struggled with regular bouts of mental illness, another daughter with lupus, a son with a heart problem, my own repeated surgeries, Steve’s stressful job, financial challenges during and following the college years and five weddings, both our efforts at ministry, and now my mother’s recent diagnosis with Alzheimer’s and all that has accompanied it. I’d become so used to living with toxic levels of stress, I thought it was normal.

Toxic levels of stress—can you relate? If not, could it be that you’re in denial? Virelle was.

I thought this was not supposed to happen to strong Christians. If we’re in the Word every day and all prayed up, aren’t we supposed to suck it up and go on forever? Yes, we often do, right to an early grave.

I heard a friend say once “Beauty may be skin deep, but stupid runs clear through.” But stupid can seem so right, so spiritual, can’t it? I only half listened to friends who cautioned me about overload, overwork, too much stress and responsibility. That is another name for pride.

We know that pride goes before a fall—and burnout definitely qualifies as a fall! (The actual Scripture is Proverbs 16:18 and reads, “Prides goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”)

Many have said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. If you are on the road to burnout, you must understand this:

Rest isn’t laziness.

Boundaries aren’t selfish.

Saying no isn’t disrespectful.

Asking for help isn’t weak.

You can begin now to make choices to change your course—to get off the road to burnout. If God has given you people to care for and love, He will see you through this season. But you’re going to have to make some changes of your own.

My first book is called God Allows U-Turns. It’s a compilation of true short stories by people from all walks of life, stories of second chances and new direction, stories of how it’s never too late to change the course of our lives. Stories confirming that God not only allows U-turns but also continues to walk with us regardless of how many mistakes we make—regardless of how many times we have to turn around and change course.

We naturally want to make meaning of our lives. We were created in God’s image, designed to live in a garden with everything we could ever want or need, yet we’ve lost sight of what that means.

In his book Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life, David Hawkins recounts a story about the time he and his wife were at JFK Airport in New York, returning from a peaceful vacation. Having just spent two weeks in Spain at a resort town on the Mediterranean, the assault on their senses from the busy terminal was a wake-up call. “Our chaos detectors blared their alarm: too much, can’t take it, sensory overload, and danger, get out now!”

After taking time off, he and his wife were now attuned to the fact that what they were experiencing at the airport wasn’t a rational way to live. The incessant din, the sardine-like cramming of bodies, people rushing and arguing, babies crying…it was too much at one time. This was not how God intended anyone to live.

Dr. Hawkins explains in more detail what we experience when we are dealing with crazy-making situations and personalities, and how we’ve come to accept this out-of-control life as something we cannot control. We’ve been living this way for so long that we don’t understand how wrong this is. Many of us have broken chaos detectors. Our warning lights should be telling us that something is wrong, but they’re not working.

We’ve spent years existing as human doings instead of as human beings. We are doing what is expected, doing things to gain acceptance, keep the peace, and earn points. Doing it all, often at the expense of being the people God created us to be. No wonder we don’t really know who we are or what we want. No wonder we have so much trouble setting healthy boundaries.

I know what I don’t want, you might be thinking. I don’t want to feel guilty, angry, used, controlled, or manipulated. I don’t want to feel like I’m beginning to hate the people I love.

Knowing what we don’t want is good. Knowing how we got here and then doing something proactive to change the situation is even better.

How We Got Here

The problems in our relationships with our parents didn’t happen all of a sudden because we took a wrong turn yesterday. We’ve made a series of wrong turns and wrong choices that have brought us here today. In her book Parents, Teens and Boundaries: How to Draw the Line, Jane Bluestein encourages us to reflect on this.

Few of us are especially adept at setting boundaries with anyone, and for good reason. Let’s back up a bit.

When you were growing up, were you told that other people’s needs were more important than yours? Were you rewarded for self-sacrificing and people-pleasing? Were you taught to obey and then shamed, hurt, or punished if you didn’t? Were you chided for questioning authority? Were you taught to avoid conflict at any cost? Were you often told that you were responsible for someone else’s feelings or behaviors? If you answer yes to most of these questions, the price was your sense of self, which is the foundation for boundary setting.

Was your privacy respected? Was it OK to have your own feelings and opinions? Were you encouraged to solve your own problems and supported through the process, or was someone always there to tell you what to do? Or did you spend just a little too much time fending for yourself, perhaps taking care of other family members with very little support? These experiences, too, influenced your sense of where you end and where others begin.

How do you typically respond to conflict? If your pattern is either one of rebellion or one of compliance, you probably haven’t had much practice setting boundaries.

As a child, did you experience verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse? It’s hard to develop boundaries when any part of yourself, including your dignity and sense of worth, is violated.

Clearly, Boundary Setting 101 is not typically a part of a child’s education. If anything, most of us have been conditioned to not set boundaries as a way to avoid the negative reactions of others. The ability to set boundaries to take care of yourself begins with the belief that your “self” is worth caring for. If we’ve learned that taking care of ourselves results in conflict, rejection, or abandonment, it’s likely that we’ll shut down when we need to set a boundary, rather than take that risk.

I came across Dr. Bluestein’s book doing research for Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children and found her insight to be especially helpful for the parents and grandparents I was addressing. They needed to identify their own parenting style to better understand how and why they were enabling their adult children.

Returning to her book with a new focus, I’ve found this a valuable resource in helping adult children better identify the parenting style of their aging parents. This is a key aspect to a better understanding of who we are.

In addition, there has been, for most of us, a severe shortage of healthy role models. Most of the adults in our lives tend to fall into one of two categories: Bulldozers or Doormats.

Bulldozers may appear to take care of themselves, but their version of self-care does not take other people’s needs into consideration. Bulldozers need to win, to have their needs taken care of, and feel entitled to do so at the expense of the other person.

This is not boundary-setting. Boundary-setting considers the needs of the other person, although it does not always accommodate them. In other words, “My way or the highway” is bulldozing, not boundary-setting.

Doormats function as though they had no boundaries. They are agreeable, nice, FINE. (At least until their resentment builds up to one nasty tolerance break, after which they can make the meanest Bulldozer look pretty tame.) Doormats are terribly accommodating, but do so at the expense of their own needs. They tend to be on the losing end of most conflicts. However, by not sticking up for themselves, they not only avoid many conflicts, but they also get to “look good,” be self-righteous, and validate a self-perception of helplessness and victimization. So when you think about it, there’s a great payoff for being a Doormat, but there’s also a high price to pay in the loss of one’s self.

Clearly, these patterns have nothing to do with boundary-setting, although Doormats often function in the hope that being “nice” enough will inspire the people around them to figure out and accommodate their needs. Boundary-setting always takes one’s own needs into account and relies on honest and direct communication (rather than manipulation and clairvoyance).

Growing up with either or both of these models, we receive a number of messages that present obstacles when we attempt to take care of ourselves in relationships with others, messages that connect our worth and lovability to our ability to please others. If most of the people in our lives operated on some form of win-lose method of conflict resolution, either by violating and disempowering (as a Bulldozer) or by self-abandoning (as a Doormat), it can be hard to imagine win-win solutions that consider the needs of all parties involved.

Whew! That’s a lot to take in, isn’t it?

Dr. Bluestein’s categories, Doormat and Bulldozer, appear to be universal parenting styles. Four distinct personality types are also universal.

To better understand how we got here, we need to look at many influences, including our own unique personalities and the role models we grew up with. We’ll talk more about the dynamics of personality types in later chapters. In the meantime, let’s talk about how we are supposed to be living.

As Dr. Bluestein wrote, “Boundary Setting 101 is not typically a part of a child’s education.” We also have little understanding of the concept and principles of setting boundaries God’s way.

God’s world is set up with laws and principles. Spiritual realities are as real as gravity, and if you do not know them, you will discover their effects. Just because we have not been taught these principles of life and relationships does not mean they will not rule. We need to know the principles God has woven into life and operate according to them.

The Ten Laws of Boundaries

Many of us have broken what Cloud and Townsend call the laws of boundaries because we never learned them. We discuss many of these in coming chapters.

the law of sowing and reaping

the law of responsibility

the law of power

the law of respect

the law of motivation

the law of evaluation

the law of proactivity

the law of envy

the law of activity

the law of exposure

If you realize things must change in your relationship with your aging parents and are ready to change direction, make new choices, fix your broken chaos detector, and apply the laws of boundaries, your first step toward sanity is to stop the insanity. That’s where we’ll start in the next chapter.




Balancing Actions

Today, take at least 15 minutes of quiet time alone to meditate, pray, and just think quietly.
What does the road to burnout look like in your life?
List the fears and concerns you have today regarding setting firm boundaries with your aging parents.
Lay these concerns before God and pray for wisdom to make godly choices as you embark on this journey of change.

This was just an ok book for me. I didn't really learn anything new from this book that I hadn't already seen in another book. In some respects I felt that I had read this book before because the author quotes from many works that I have already read. If you've never read a self-help book about relationships, this would probably be a good book for you. However for me, it just wasn't. There were parts of this book that seemed a little disjointed and the author kept skipping from her situation with dealing with aging parents back to her son, whom she has also written a book about. It almost seemed as if she was trying to justify something that may not have been in the first book (and I wouldn't know this for sure because I did not read her book about dealing with children) through this one. I'm sorry, this just wasn't for me.

Cupidity: 50 Stupid Things People Do for Love and How to Avoid Them by Michael & Hayley DiMarco

It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance, just click the button. We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books. A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured. The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction, non~fiction, for young, or for old...or for somewhere in between! Enjoy your free peek into the book!

You never know when I might play a wild card on you!

Today's Wild Card authors are:

Michael DiMarco
and
Hayley DiMarco

and the book:

Cupidity: 50 Stupid Things People Do for Love and How to Avoid Them

Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. (January 11, 2010)

ABOUT THE AUTHORs:

Hayley DiMarco is the bestselling author of more than 30 books, including Dateable, Marriable, Mean Girls, and The Woman of Mystery. She spent the early part of her career working for Nike in Portland, Oregon, and Thomas Nelson publishing in Nashville, Tennessee. In 2002 Hayley founded Hungry Planet, a company intensely focused on feeding the world’s appetite for truth by producing books and new media, taking on issues of faith and life with a distinctly modern voice.

Michael DiMarco is the CEO of Hungry Planet. In addition to the nine books he has authored or co-authored, Michael also created The Hungry Planet Bible Project, a 10,000–mile road trip designed to give a voice to the hungry and homeless. Hayley and Michael are the proud parents of dozens of Hungry Planet books, including 11 best sellers, four ECPA Christian Book Award finalists, one ECPA winner, and one amazing human, their daughter, Addison.

Visit the authors' website.

Product Details:

List Price: $14.99
Paperback: 264 pages
Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. (January 11, 2010)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1414324677
ISBN-13: 978-1414324678

AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:

Believing Love Is a Feeling

One of the biggest acts of Cupidity is to believe that love is a feeling and nothing more. While certainly it is true that love elicits some strong emotions, love itself isn't a feeling.

Let's say someone makes you feel amazing. You can't quit thinking about the person, and you are sure that it is love. So you confess your undying love to the object of your affection. Then a few days, a few months, or a few years down the road, that amazing feeling goes away. Does that mean you never loved the person or you stopped loving them? Or does it mean that feelings of love can't be an indicator of the existence of love? It has to be one or the other. Which one you choose says a lot about your core beliefs about love.

Early on in a relationship, it is easy for things other than love to mimic love and cause people to believe they have found their dream come true. There are so many other things that feel just like love. Take jumping out of an airplane, for example. The rush, the adrenaline, the fear, and even the pleasure of that specific moment can have the same emotional reaction and payoff as love's first expression. But obviously, jumping from extreme heights is more about fear and adrenaline than eternal commitment. A guy can feel the same kinds of emotions for his car as he does for his girl. And a woman can feel the same kind of euphoric rush when she buys a pair of shoes as when her man brings her flowers. But that doesn't mean it's accurate to call those passions love.

Hayley:

In two different relationships before I got married, I committed to making it work based on the feeling that this was the only "good guy" who would love me. Fear was my compelling emotion—I was afraid I couldn't do any better. I saw the warning signs in each relationship, but out of fear I chose to overlook them instead of doing a faithful inspection of the problems. v

A lot of single people commit Cupidity when they get so wrapped up in the emotion of love that they neglect the truth about love. They ignore red flags, concerns of friends and family, and even warnings from the very object of their love. A well-known Christian counselor once said, "Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without." And while he is no doubt a smart man and that sounds like romantic and sound advice, have you ever considered how many people marry someone they "can't live without," and then four years later they divorce the same person they no longer can live with? Did things fall apart because their way of choosing, based on a feeling, was wrong? Or was it because their definition of love as needing to feel a certain way was faulty? We could answer that for you, but we're not going to. Let's just say that no matter what the answer is, judging the presence of love based on how you feel is a dangerous, er, proposal.

If you are honest with yourself, would you say that you feel your way through love? Did you (or would you) choose your mate based on how they make you feel? Have you rejected someone because your feelings changed? Do you consider feelings the best indicator of success or failure in a relationship? Though feelings should be noted, they can't be followed blindly, because when they are, they overshadow God's commands.

Many women can be heard to say things like, "He just doesn't love me anymore." And what they often mean is, "He doesn't make me feel the same way anymore." We've considered that idea a lot. Because we were head over heels in love when we were dating and got married, and since then there have been fewer and fewer of those emotional highs. In fact, we've gone weeks, even months, without them. And the questions that keep lurking are, Does he love me anymore? Did she ever love me? But then, being the practical souls we are, we thought about how hard life would be if we permanently felt the same emotional high that we felt in the beginning of the relationship. How would we get any sleep, living in the same house together? When would we remove our lips from each other long enough to eat? How would we concentrate at work when all we could do was imagine being with the other person? That initial feeling of love that is so fantastical is also distracting—nay, all consuming. It's your soul's occupation, and while a busy soul is a happy soul, it's also a pleasure-driven soul, finding little strength or focus for things other than true love. We aren't dissing the amazing sensation of "love's first kiss," as our three-year-old fairy tale–loving daughter puts it, but we are saying that it can be a bit of an obsession.

In relationships—especially at the beginning—it is easy to take the incredible emotions another person brings you to as a sure sign that love is in the air . . . when all it might be is the thrill of the chase or the excitement of a mystery waiting to be unraveled. So that brings us back to the original premise that love isn't a feeling but an action. How do we know? Because God commands it. All over Scripture God commands us to love. Love God, love our neighbors as ourselves, even love our enemies. But if love were a feeling, then God couldn't command it. No one can order you to feel something. Emotions don't work like that—you don't turn them on and off, on command. But actions can be commanded: "Share your toys." "Don't hit back!" "Don't touch that" (not to be confused with, "You can't touch this").

But maybe there's more to it than even that. Have you considered why God gave us the command to love in the first place? If love came naturally to all of us, if it were always our first response to all people, in all situations, then God wouldn't have had to make it the focus of his instructions to us (1 Corinthians 16:14). God sees the need to command us to love, because love isn't usually our first response, except when we are deep in it. In those situations, love is easy, natural—like second nature. Love is your "soul" focus: that person gets all the best of you. You are patient, kind, caring, and selfless, and you overlook faults. You are the perfect picture of love in human form. Wow! But God knows us better than that. He knows that love, in order to prove itself true, must be tested. It must stand in the face of opposition (Matthew 5:44); it must give of itself even when it gets nothing in return (Luke 6:35); it must be a conscious choice and not an emotional response (Matthew 5:46).

According to a poll taken in March 2008 by the Barna Research Group, the divorce rate for Christian couples is statistically identical to all other faith groups, as well as atheists and agnostics. Whether or not the Christians polled truly lived biblical lives is questionable—we have no way of knowing their hearts or their basis for calling themselves Christians. But as a random poll of people who consider themselves "saved," this seems to be confirmation that feelings, not faith, most profoundly affect the actions of those who consider themselves faithful.

When you feel your way through love, you are apt to ignore the warning signs that signal a future of difficulty, if not pain. They might even be signs from God that this person is not the person. So emotions can't be allowed to have the final say on who you choose.

For the married person, trials and emotionally difficult experiences are part of the pattern of love. These trials—these tests of faith and love—are what lead to sanctification, the purification of your faith. Every time a trial rears its evil head, your first question should be What does God want me to learn about my sin from this? not What is my spouse's sin in this? According to pastor and teacher James MacDonald, "God's goal is not to make you happy; it's to make you holy."

When love is based on a feeling, you have Cupidity: stupid, stupid actions taken to try to get more love. But when love is based on actions, you actually get amazing feelings after you give in fully to the kind of self-sacrificing love that Jesus taught us through his life. See, when love is patient, kind, humble, meek, and all the other things Jesus taught, it is at its best. And the most amazing thing is that it isn't based on what others do or fail to do. It isn't dependent on situations but on an immovable and perfect God. In short, it's heavenly. Harp music, please!

So we've established that love is an action, not a feeling. But what does that look like? Love is an action not in the sense of "start the film rolling" but in the sense of "it's not what you feel; it's what you do." When you look at it like that, suddenly love becomes less about how people make you feel or what they do to you, but what you do in response to them.

Wait a minute . . . you mean love isn't about how a person makes me feel but about how I treat them? Yep, that's it in a nutshell—good job. So if love is lacking in your life, it isn't because of the other person; it's because of you. Ouch, that hurts even as it's coming out. Let's walk through this together—it's too scary alone. According to Scripture, you aren't going to be judged based on the love you feel but the love you give: "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Can't speak for you, but we speak for ourselves when we say that most of these things—like patience, humility, not insisting on getting our own way, never giving up, and enduring all things—ain't what we originally had in mind when we thought about what love should feel like.

Hayley:

Finding Fabio Unshaven in a White T-Shirt

Let me just jump in here. One day I was bemoaning the fact that the romance was gone from our marriage. Because romance is how a woman knows for sure that a man loves her—crazy, I know, but blame it on Disney. Anyway, that day I took to heart God's command to love regardless of what I was getting. I took the time to notice that God is love (1 John 4:16), and my thoughts and actions of love given to my "undeserving" husband transported God's very presence into my life. It was as if my act of obedience produced love and romance, right then and there (1 Thessalonians 3:12; 1 John 4:11-12). And suddenly I thought that Michael was the dreamiest man on the planet. His unshaven face, white T-shirts, and holey socks were all just as they should be. Poor guy—he had no idea what I was going through or why I was so difficult to live with. It was my own misguided ideas of how things should be that made me crazy and caused me to consider him "undeserving" of my love. But when I saw things from God's perspective, all the smoke cleared and I could see true love. It wasn't what I was feeling about Michael but what I believed about God and who he commands me to be that counted. (BTW, Michael is currently editing this unshaven in a white T-shirt.) v

If you base your love on how you feel about the other person, then stop the Cupidity now and absorb this truth into your pores. Steam over it. And let the truth set you free. Love, when given God's way, is better and more lasting than any visceral reaction to your dream girl or guy.

Of course, it would be a potential act of Cupidity for a single person to determine that there need be no sensation of love that comes out of interacting with the future Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, whether physically, mentally, or spiritually. There needs to be some kind of chemistry in order to seal the deal and proceed around the proverbial bases, but once you've slid into home (and by that we mean walked down the aisle), how you feel can't determine how much love you give your spouse. But until you marry, you are free to say, "I'm not in love with you, so I'm walking away." You just can't do that once you say, "I do."

So let's just say, enjoy the feeling of love when it comes, but know that love doesn't have to feel good in order to exist. Consider Christ on the cross. Certainly this perfect act of love didn't give him the amazing feeling that we associate with true love. In Christ's life, love hurt, to put it mildly. But thank God he knew the hurt that had to be endured in order for love to become available to all of us.

Love demands a lot of us. It demands an end to asking, "What about me?" and requires a search for the answer to "What about the other person? What do they need that I can give?" Anything that doesn't agree with the way God's Word defines love needs to be deleted from your memory. Then you'll be able to start over with a fresh motherboard of love. When you learn to love God's way, you learn to love without Cupidity, and that's a pretty amazing thing.

Bloggy Birthday Giveaway #8: How To Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong

Our next bloggy birthday is another great devotional/relationship book! This one was also very well written! I know you will enjoy it! Check out my review!

To enter, fill out the form below. You may leave comments in the comment box but they will not count as entries. This one ends Jan. 29 at 11:59 PM EST. Good Luck!

How To Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie Vernick

How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie Vernick


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
In How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, Leslie Vernick brings out some very practical information for couples. Some may see this as a book that they've already heard about but I found several things that really stood out to me. The main focus of this book is that if your spouse is acting wrong, maybe you should look at YOURSELF. I was a little taken back at first. If my spouse has a problem, why is it MY fault? That's not what the author is saying. Instead, what is said is what could you see in your life that you could work on that might improve your spouse? It's not your fault but is there something that might trigger a change in your spouse if you change? I had a lot of "ah ha" moments while reading this book. It was also full of some great quotes! One of my favorites is, "Blurting out destructive emotions is a lot like vomiting. You might feel better to get it out, but vomit belongs in the toilet, not on your spouse." I find this quote to be so true and I've really worked on not "vomiting" on my spouse in the 8 years we've been married.

I strongly recommend this book for marrieds and dating couples alike. While some may think they don't need another "self marriage help" book, this one is not like any other I've read. It's very informational and eye opening!

Thank you to the author and Waterbrook Multnomah for providing the review copy for me to read.

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What's He Really Thinking? by Paula Rinehart

What's He Really Thinking?: How to Be a Relational Genius with the Man in Your Life by Paula Rinehart


My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Book Description

A woman's guide into a man's heart and mind offering invaluable insights, understanding, and the tools for building healthier relationships.

Even in the best of relationships, over time, men and women drift apart because of the communication gaps they naturally possess. In What's He Really Thinking?, author and speaker Paula Rinehart gives incredible insight into these differences. In her conversational, almost poetic style, Rinehart unlocks some of the age-old mysteries of the male mind-set.

With more than twenty years of counseling experience, Rinehart sheds a realistic light on:

* how men think
* why they do what they do
* what they struggle with

She believes women who truly understand men have an ability to make an extraordinary impact on their lives. From scientific research to practical real-life stories, Rinehart removes the guess work and shows women how to become the relational geniuses they have always longed to be.

***MY REVIEW***

I really enjoyed reading this book and learning more about relationships with the men in my life. I appreciate that this book is written not just for the significant man in your life but also your dad, brother, son, etc.

The most pivotal part of this book was the chapter titled "Conflict". Paula Rinehart hit the nail on the head for me in this chapter when she provided an example of what a man hears when his woman is angry with him. She also touches on the vulnerability of a man and how women can easily overlook this.

Overall, this is a very informational book that I would recommend for any woman, but especially those who are dating and contemplating marriage. I would have appreciated reading this book prior to my marriage as I feel that maybe some of the things I did would have turned out differently.

A review copy of this book was obtained through Thomas Nelson Publishers (http://brb.thomasnelson.com/) through which I am member of their Book Blogger Review program.

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